Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

Borrow money from a pessimist... they don't expect it back.

It's lonely at the top, but you do eat better.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Campers: Natures way of feeding mosquitos.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Laugh alone, and the world thinks you're an idiot.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative...

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

According to my best recollection... I can't remember.

On the other hand you have fingers.

ALL generalizations are false.

Who stopped the payment on my reality check?

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyways.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! <- (boo....)

Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?

Death is hereditary.

Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.