A Night of Jeremy Hotz

"Last night I dreamt three bald ducks burst into my bedroom and started pecking my pillow 'cause they wanted their feathers back. What the hell does that mean, Freud: my pillows are foam!"

"I got the colored lenses. I got the brown ones. Not a big seller the brown contact lenses. My eyes are naturally brown, but they're not the brown I was looking for. Do you have a more shit brown color for me? It really brings out my true personality."

"I have astigmatism in my eye, do you have the same problem? Yeah, it's when your eye goes screwy. My Optometrist said it was from years of doing stand-up comedy staring into the lights. Said he could fix it with laser surgery. I said what are you going to do, he said: 'I'm going to shine this light in your eyes."

"Canada should just attack another country. Man, no one would see that coming. Greatest coo in military history. Lay low for 275 years. Then attack...Turkey! Just show up, "Guess what, we're takin it. And we're calling it Chicken you assholes!"

"Let's get out of here. Let's just go. 300 of us. That'd be great. Let's go bowling right now. Oh Christ that'd be hysterical. We show up at the same bowling alley at the same time. Just freak the guy behind the counter out. We're here! 'Holy fuck. I don't have shoes for these people!' "

"Tarzana full of the biggest snails I've ever seen in my life. You don't get the snails in the East here. Snails the size of my hand just crawling across the side walk. No where near water, how the hell did they get there? I hate snails. I don't trust them. Pulling their house on their back. Walking around: "Nothing can harm me, I got my house on my back." Crunch. "Where'd that foot come from? Bastard broke my house. I don't have insurance."

"I used to live here in New York but now I live in Los Angeles, I had to move. L.A., what a miserable place that is. Nothing ever changes. "Oh the fall in L.A., what a beautiful time of year. So different than the other seasons! Look at that tree, I think it's changing color!" "No, it's just dead."