Panic

Approx shifts at Dennys left: 14

Days actually employed there: 19

Days till leave Vancouver for Nashville: 28

Things I'm going to miss while gone: Many

Mel's Birthday, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Fathers birthday, Cole's birthday cousins and aunts birthdays, my mother competing, Phil competing, the JB party, ME competing, Becca packing, road trips, camping trips, hanging out with the boys, riding my horse, going for random drives, my car, seeing Mel all tanned after Disney Land, the random movie nights, or going "bowling" and ending up sliding down a hill of doom... gaahhhhhhhh.......

Some days I wonder if its worth it to be the crazy spontaneous person who randomly packs up and leaves for a few months... and then I go..... wait, of course it is, I'm Dez man, this is what I do and this is what makes life so interessting.

But at the same time its hard to know exactly what I'm going to miss, and only having a vague idea what for...

Despite possible external appearances, I really do worry about my friends. And I know you all know that I'm going to miss you, and I'm sure you knew that I"d miss you before I knew!! lol. But in the past while I've really accepted the fact that I can only really take care of me. I can help, I can support others... but I can only really take care of me, and each of you can only really take care of yourselves. I can't help any of you untill you want to be helped... I have my own battle i'm fighting right now, and for the most part i'm winning, but I still have days where staying in bed and crying seems like the best idea... where going to bed and crying myself to sleep in hopes of never waking up is somehow a seductive thought... but I get over it, b/c I don't want to live like that... its fucking hard, and I know you all know that, but we each deal with it in our own way, but know that I don't want to live like that, I keep busy, and I go out with friends and ppl who care about me so that I don't get stuck... I don't actually know where else I'm going with this, so I'll go back to me leaving.

I'm not at all prepared to leave yet... hell, i haven't even cleaned out my car from the LAST trip i went on, and that was a month ago... my room is somehow getting worse, everytime i try to "clean" and "organize" and "sort" and "dispose of unneeded items" my room somehow gets more cluttered, and seems totally beyond help. however; Nic inspired me to get some of my posters back up, which is a lil bit of an improvement.

Theres just so much to do, and time is running out, and it keeps running out, cause I'm focussing more on living before I leave... I've become closer to some ppl in the past few weeks than I have in the couple years I've known them... whcih is odd, b/c I figured I'd just slowly detach myself before I left... *sigh* i confuse and surprise even me.

Also... i don't know if I've mentioned this (ok, i'm positive I have...) but my tailbone is super bad... bad enough, that I... the horribly stubborn Dezeray, am going to make a Dr's appointment for next week. Be proud, this is a rare and momentous occasion.

My name tag at Denny's right now says: Dizzerae <-that makes me happy!

Cole, have fun in Vancouver, I'm going to miss you, please drive safely you have to come back to me.

I'm working a late night shift tomorrow... er.... tonight, of my own accord, so that I can watch my mom ride in the evening... there are a grand total of 4 servers NOT working tomorrow... thats it... thats how understaffed we are... and the ones who weren't working 3 are in school, and 1 already was scheduled for 40 hours +... switching was all I could do to not work, and now I understand why they try to force you in when you are sick... they literally have noone to call in.

But I need sleep... good night to you all.