Just a quick fare yee well to y'all!! Lol!!! Heading to edmonton in 3 hours 20 minutes. Have I started packing yet? no. Will I get any sleep tonight? Probably not. thats what the cars for right? Lol. I'll be back sometime monday, don't everyone fall apart w/o me ok?
Warning: Rant.
Why is it that when you do something, be it anything good, people are "envious", or think you're "lucky". I recently spent $1400 on a new camera, and when I told a friend of mine, she said I was lucky. I ask how? She replies b/c I have the money for it. SHE can't afford a new camera b/c she has car payments. Now have any of you LOOKED at my car? I love Stevie to death, but she's no Corvette. I made a choice, I bought a beater car so that I could bust my ass saving money for months to buy a new camera. She bought a nice car and is now making payments. Neither of us are lucky, we have different priorities and made choices based on them.
I told another friend that I was considering trying to get a job on a cruise ship this fall. His instant response was he was envious. Of what? The fact I'm willing to fill out an online application form and attach a resume? Whats stopping him? Or does it come down to the fact people lack ambition and drive, and are jealous that people are willing to take steps towards the thigns they want in life?!?
I may never understand it... its all about choices people, make them.
Ok, another, bitter against love post, but what do you expect, I almost always have been, and almost always will be! Right now I hurt so much for a few of my friends close to me. No names will be mentioned, but you all know your own story.
Case # 1-Girl and boy have excellent happy relationship, one day boy isn't sure, boy isn't sure for a week, girl says make up mind, boy says friend, boy doesn't know why. Girl heartbroken and angry.
Case # 2- Girl and boy happy. Boy leaving for good in a few months. Girl heartbroken.
Case # 3- Boy girl married. Marriage constantly up and down, on the rocks, hot and cold. Very not happy nor healthy.
Case # 4- Boy girl happy. Girl overwhelmed by school, asks boy to wait for her. Boy waits. Boy's best friend moves in on girl. Best friend and girl date w/o telling boy. Boy crushed.
Case # 5- Girl and boy date for over a year, move in together. Boy cheats on girl. Girl makes boy leave, girl heartbroken.
Does that not really cover all different types of heartbreak? Its tragic... when I heard the end of case 4 I actually started to cry b/c I felt so bad for boy. Same with case 5. Girl is tough on the outside, but I know she hurts so much inside, and I feel for her. The only thing good about these cases is that they make my case feel less bad, but it doesn' take away the hurt.
In other news, I got my new camera. Have had no inspiration to take pictures, but hopefully that will change with my trip to Edmonton. As a warning to all, i'm going to get new hair, new clothes, and intend on comming home whole again with new attitude. Change is what I do best, and a 4 day trip is the PERFECT recipe for such an occurance.
Quick recapp of this week, went to a fantasia party bought Vitamin E oil and bath salts, had coffee with jenny... in vanderhoof, changed the gaskets in my car broke the cam bolt fixed the windshield washer fluid muffler is falling off, played with ponies, made 20% in tips at work tonight, cleaned approx 30% of my room, wrote my accounting exam.
Upcommin events, final exam tomorrow, leaving for Edmonton for 4 days on friday, going to see "The Love List" with Kirstin on tuesday, Melissa leaves for 2 months on thursday *heartbreak*, Cole has his Capilano interview via phone at 1:40 on tuesday (NOONE phone his house between 1 and 4 pm), intend on cleaning at least another 30% of my room tomorrow, need to pack tomorrow, work my last shift for nearly a week tomorrow, hopefully doing a photo shoot for a CD cover somtime in the next week.
With that I should actually study some more and get some sleep... WHO plans exams for 8 a.m...? its really just cruel and inhumane!!!
I've realized where all my romance problems stem... like most girls, Hollywood. Tonight I watched "Kate and Leopold" which is actually one of my all time fave movies. I think the reason I love this movie so much, is because I can sympathize with Kate so very much. She's very career driven, busy, emotional, borderline psychotic, and really has no use for the romance crap that Leo shows her at first. In fact, she resists him at all costs in the begining... and then falls flat on her face for him, then they realize it can't work, but she loves him, and it CAN work, and they live happily ever after. How long does this entire movie take place? 7 days... from hate, to love, to can't work, to happily fucking ever after. And thats the way all my relationships go... resistance, flat on my face, "can't work". Yes, I AM aware that I'm writing this post in a little bit of a bitter state of mind, but so what. What hit the hardest and the worst in that movie was some of the stuff Leo said and did. At one point Kate was bitching about something or another, and Leo looked at her and said "Maybe you just haven't met the right man yet." Sound familiar? Oh, yup! Heard that one about 2 months ago. And when they're on the rooftop she goes to clean up, and he grabs her and makes her dance to the violinist... Violins, ah how he loved it, and after the bar when noone knew we were dating? I owed him a dance, and he pulled me in so close and held me so tight in the middle of his bedroom.... So fuck hollywood! Fuck this love bullshit, b/c thats what it is. To quote Kate, its our grown up version of Santa Clause... a myth we've been fed since childhood, and we keep giving ourselves excuses as to why our love santa is stuck in the chimney.
It just happened to be the new radio announcer... lol. After many months of trying to get in on the instant wolf requests and such, I FINALLY got through today, and was entered to win the $50 GC for Raina Day Spa!! Hurrah!!! So very excited!! Also, invited the cute radio announcer to have a drink at BP tonight... we shall see if he shows! lol!
As an advanced warning... I have no idea what kind of post this will be.
To quickly sum up recent events, after 2 weeks of starting to like someone, freaking out, going for someone else, then 1 month of being with the right person, and then 2 weeks of not being with that person but wondering whats going on, its all finally finished. The great news, I'm fine. Like, a good fine.
Its weird, I'm sad, for obvious reasons, but I feel free again, which feels nice. I'm no longer worried about whats going on in his head, not waiting for him to come back, and the best part, no angry feelings toward him at all. I forced him into talking tonight, cornered him on some stuff, and said nearly everything I wanted to say, and got the answers I wanted. Even pissed him off at one point (nearly impossible to do... he's quite laid back) which I'm not going to lie, tho it was unintentional, made me feel a little better. It showed a couple things, including the fact I influence him emotionally, and that he feels a little bad about what happened. Fair enough, we both caused each other pain. We're going to be friends, which is great, we're compatible and comfortable.
After that, I went to Stan's bday party... such an interessting experience. Finally dealt with some past that I've kinda avoided. Was good to get that dealt with, there are no hard feelings there either. Was really crazy to see how much a certain person understood me tho. He totally got aspects of my personality that I'm just coming to realize now, and it made me laugh. There are only a couple men in my life that totally get certain parts about me, and care for me unconditionally... but they lack things I want out of a relationship. Otherwise they'd be perfect. And now there are also one or two people who I care for unconditionally that have all the qualities I want in a relationship, but theres somehting else lacking in that...
As for this personality aspect... its something I've acknowledged before, but something thats gained alot of attention lately.
Relationships: 14 months, 2 months, 1 month, 1 month, 4 weeks, 4 weeks, 3 weeks, 2-3 things that NEARLY became relationships but I got bored to fast.
Work: 16 months, 9 months, 5 months, 4 months, 4 months, 4 months, 1 month. PLus a couple jobs with one or two shifts here and there.
School: Signed up for Criminology, dropped out, took a semester off, have taken 11 courses at CNC and don't want to go back. Want to now instead go to photography school.
Hobbies: Swimming 2 years, Kung-fu 2 years, Horse inconcistently for 10 years, gymnastics 4 years, theatre 3 years, photography 2 years.
Groups of friends: Constantly rotated, almost by seasons.
Hair: Short, long, medium, red, black, blonde, blue, brown, curly, straight.
I seem incapable of keeping anything constant or the same... there is nothing concrete in my life except for a couple friends and my family. The only thing consistent with me is that everything changes. A good friend informed me tonight that I change EVERYTHING in my life more than anyone he has ever met before. I don't know what to say about this personality aspect, just... its different. Its who I am. But I need to learn to channel it and control it better.
One other random fact before I go to bed... There is nothing more comfortable than bare feet, jeans and a tee shirt at the end of the day.
I had an overwhelming amount of dreams last night... each one more realistic than the next... unfortunatly, the longer I am awake, the more they start to fade, but I'll quickly try to recap them.
The first, and biggest piss off. A few of us from BP decided to get a cabin out on Bednesti (random? yes) those going were Me, Jessie, someone I can't remember, and Kody... a guy who doesn't even work at BP. In the dream Kody was single (he's not) and he tried to kiss me. However, I was still all heartbroken over Ben (thats still true) and didn't kiss back... he then got all sweet and caring and sappy and talked to me about it, and I said that that was nice, but I really truely missed Ben (also true). He said that that was great, that Kody and I should be togheter (wtf?!) and he wanted to hear when I was missing Ben... so effed up. Then we were getting ready to head off to the cabin, and I saw Ben, and told him who was going, invited him up as well, told him me adn Kody were getting close... and Ben said "Well, don't be too silly... you konw in the end we're going to get back together." And then he kissed me!!! And then he told me I should grab some clothes, and come get some real sleep, which I thought meant come to his house, so I grabbed the stuff I'd need for the next day but he'd left w/o me, so I thought he just wanted to meet me down there, so I got in the car, but on the way I ended up stopping at Patience's and it was Christmas, and she offered me a Pornstar or Showgirl (drinks) but I had to decline, cause I was on the way to Ben's, and we all talked about who was spending what holiday with who b/c everyone was divorced, then we decided on New Years at Patience's, so I left again, and Ben wasn't home. Fucked up eh?
Next, much shorter... I was driving, and Kaylee, Jen, Steph, and I had just arrived in Edmonton, we were driving and I saw a Big Box Store that said Don's Photo Shop (the photography shop I intend on finding when I get to Edmonton) so I slammed on the brakes, and drove towards it... then I woke up. Both of these dreams seemed so realistic, and I hate that b/c I wake up and I have to re-establish reality in my mind. And currently, I'm not a big fan of my reality. Bah dreams!!!
Dictionary.com defines it as
True: being in accordance with the actual state or conditions; conforming to reality or fact; not false: a true story.
Love: a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
Wikipedia defines love and all its forms, but not true love.
I'm not sure if its the post Valentines feelings, or the romantic movies and books I've recently re-picked up again, but I find myself longing for a relationship. Not just any relationship tho, the earth shattering relationship with the sparks and pizzaz to last a life time and then some. But the thign I want most I only see on TV or read in books, which makes me wonder, is it real or fictitious?!
*edit* Ok, so this is how far I got just before the the next nearly 2 months of hell started relationship wise. It started with casually seeing a boy, starting to like the boy, freaking out, flirting with other people till I ended up kissing another boy, dating that boy for a while, till I realized I made a huge mistake and was supposed to be with the first boy, me and first boy start dating. Oh and wasn't it wonderful... till I fell in love, then stupidly told him, then had him freak out and put us back on "friend" terms. Which has really been a week of me crying and him fucking with my head. But funny that I said I wanted a relationship with sparks and pizzaz... b/c thats what that relationship was. Wonderful. Pure happiness. Right up untill the last week that is. Which leads me back to my early statement, is true love real or fictitious? Obviously what me adn boy had was not true love, or he wouldn't have run away. But it WAS incredibly good (said by boy on many occasions) and it had that fast relationship movie quality.
Lets look at the many types of relationships (recapping from Jenny's earlier post on marriage) there are people who are genuinly happy together, and in love, blah blah blah. There are people who are together for the benefits they get out of the relationship (trophy b/f/g/f, money, support, feelings of love, happiness) so essentially, all relationships are based on using the other person, be it for good or bad is irrelevant. Now you say, what if a person is in the relationship for the feelings of the other person, living to make that person happy? I say, if making that person happy makes you happy... same fucking diff, you're in it for your feelings of happiness. If making that person happy makes you want to light your hair on fire and punch yourself in the head, you'd walk away.
So if love is really a mutual use for another person... can it really be true and absolute? If you love someone, can you really set them free?!
This post is a little pointless, I have no answers, no points, no conclusions... just a lot of bitter bitter emotions and experiences.
So if love makes the world go round... stop the world, I want to get off.
What can I say, I'm a sucker for punishment...
I don't really feel like going into details, but like Andrea I just kinda need a place to get this off my chest. I"m sick of fucking mind games, I want a final Yes, or No. ANd a little sensitivity from coworkers and him, would've been greatly appreciated. I hate this... all of it. I'm sick of hurting and it only seems to get worse as the days go by... I'm so upset I don't even feel like doing anything. I'd rather just lie in bed all day long. I don't really want to take pictures, or see my horse... why do I have to have such deep passionate emotions... it really fucks me over in the long run.
Everything is up and down, down and up. I'm sure all of you can relate! The boy and I aren't together, but he's still hot and cold on how he treats me. I'm up and down about how I feel about the situation... from fine, to randomly crying. So frustrating.
In other news tho, I had my mom's side of the family Easter Dinner tonight... there were 19 people there!! Quite crazy, but I had a good time... not counting being stabbed by my mother with a fork in the belly button, stabbed in the throat with a knitting needle when trying to escape my mom's tickling, ramming my knuckle into the wooden coffee table while playing SNAP, and then lastly tripping in the dark and falling chest first into a wheel barrow handle :S. All that aside tho, it was still a tonne of fun with my cousins. We shot some pool, played some SNAP, had some racey conversations... all in all good. I even ate a full meal :D though it was the only one today...
FINALLY got the spark plugs changed in the car... only to discover my rocker cover is leaking leaving my spark plugs all but floating in oil and me needing to change the gaskets. Blah. Frustrating, but good that I"m finally dealing with this crap.
Getting more and more excited for my trip to Edmonton April 27-29!!! Going to pick up some nice clothes, and some camera equipment!! Might look at some tack as well... very exciting.
I may drive myself out before going tho... yesterday I went for 3 seperate drives, the 3rd one with a person I had a huge falling out with that landed us just outside of McBride... was great to talk to him again, though I still have hard feelings, maybe we can fix this.
Lastly... I did h/w tonight! Hurray. It was actually a good way to keep my mind off things, and stay busy.
Even more lastly.... I am SO sick and tired of feeling like I'm sucking on pennies... my god!! It LITERALLY drives me insane. I've gone through 3 packs of gum in half a week... ridiculous!!!! I HATE THE PENNIES!!!
Anyways, that will be the end of this transmission, this is Dez signing off.
Well... I figure I should actually fill everyone in one whats going on in my life. I'd rather not have any comments, I don't really need sympathy, but just to let you guys know Ben and I broke up friday morning. Kinda mutual, kinda not. I was going to end it b/c he was being hot and cold and I didn't feel I deserved it. However, apon arriving, I realized how happy he made me, so I couldn't do it, but after an hour of talking he said part of him wanted to be with me, part didn't, so he decided to just stop. Sucks, alot. we still talk, which I'm not sure how I feel about.... its crazy how one person can cause so many great emotions, and then so much pain. I'm ok though. I'm Dez. Just... hurting for a little while.
Hello fellow bloggers!!!
I feel to avoid hypocricy I should update again...
So we'll start with the funness that was yesterday, moving in to the awkwardness that is today!!!
Yesterday went to class, totally winged my presentation and it actually went fairly well. I totally just got back into the swing of selling those godforesaken books, right down to the silly little jokes we did to Mrs. Jones just to keep us sane. After class hung out with Angela for a hwile, then went to Starbucks with Coel and Val for a while which was good fun. I was feeling really ill tho, so I was going to head home, but instead I went and saw Mel for a while, then headed to superstore to buy a single orange, adn this sentence is turning into a super long run on.... But ya, then I went over to Ft George Park and took a picture of.... A SQUIRREL!!! I was so happy!!! THen headed to Fraser river and took a few more pictures, then to Jenny's house to take even MORE pictures... she is seriously a muse to me, her expressions are always beautiful, her skin is amazing... I always just want to capture it all on film when I'm with her. Then I went home, ordered some wings and made a screwdriver which caused me to be dizzy and have the hiccups... very funny, then edited some pictures (www.dezdez.deviantart.com) <-go look!!! And then headed to Ben's. We played a couple games of pool, he kicked my ass, but in every round I totally busted out some amazing streaks to catch up... one time I sunk 5 in a row, PLUS one of his. Lots of fun. And to give the boys peace of mind, I finally watched Garden State. Interessting movie... the last scene in the airport really reminded me how much I hate airports and busstations b/c I can't stand goodbyes... kinda sad.
Anwyays, Ben claims I'm writing a bible, so I should psot this and have some breakfast... OH! The awkwardness of today you're wondering? Ben's family: Catholic. Last night, after movies and "fun" we fell asleep... and someone got up relaly early.... so I unintentionally spent the night here :S Oops.... I havne' tactually left the bedroom for fear of talking to parental figures...
Hello all!!!
Well, happy to report I'm comming down off this roller coaster of emotions... which I'm sure will be nice for everyone around me.
But exciting things are happening... atm me and my mother are watching Shrek 2, which is deffinetly high on my list of favourite movies. Also, on the 27th I should be going to Edmonton with Jenny Stephanie and Kaylee... wow, I'm the only one in that group that doesn't have an "ee" ending to my name, yet the spellings on their name's are all different... interesting.
Yesterday was tres fun. Melissa and I went shopping for some England stuff for her. We got her the PRETTIEST dress ever... I can't describe it, but lets just say with the dress, shoes, and accessories she looked gorgeous. I'm only sad I can't be there to see her at the Phantom of the Opera when she goes out... Its going to be weird going 2 months without her... what am I supposed to do?
Today was fun to. Hermiting today, tho I might add I'm getting bad at the hermit thing. I talked on the phone, visited with my dad, and now I'm hanging out with my mom. But I cleaned house, made cookies, blasted country music, played on the computer... its been great. Very healing and healthy. Edit: VERY Bad at hermiting... I talked to Cole on the phone twice for a total of 1 hour, Jenny for over an hour, Ben for a little more than an hour, then Melissa for an hour!! My goodness...
Now that I've rambled on about nothing for a while, I"ll post this and go back to my movie... *hugs* to all those in blogger land!!
A song I got stuck in my head when leaving Ben's house one night... its been stuck ever since.
So she said what's the problem baby
What's the problem I don't know
Well maybe I'm in love (love)
Think about it every time
I think about it
Can't stop thinking 'bout it
How much longer will it take to cure this
Just to cure it cause I can't ignore it if it's love (love)
Makes me wanna turn around and face me but I don't know nothing 'bout love
Come on, come on
Turn a little faster
Come on, come on
The world will follow after
Come on, come on
Cause everybody's after love
So I said I'm a snowball running
Running down into the spring that's coming all this love
Melting under blue skies
Belting out sunlight
Shimmering love
Well baby I surrender
To the strawberry ice cream
Never ever end of all this love
Well I didn't mean to do it
But there's no escaping your love
These lines of lightning
Mean we're never alone,
Never alone, no, no
Come on, Come on
Move a little closer
Come on, Come on
I want to hear you whisper
Come on, Come on
Settle down inside my love
Come on, come on
Jump a little higher
Come on, come on
If you feel a little lighter
Come on, come on
We were once
Upon a time in love
We're accidentally in love
Accidentally in love (x7)
Accidentally
I'm In Love, I'm in Love,
I'm in Love, I'm in Love,
I'm in Love, I'm in Love,
Accidentally (X 2)
Come on, come on
Spin a little tighter
Come on, come on
And the world's a little brighter
Come on, come on
Just get yourself inside her
Love ...I'm in love
