Plan for next 36 hours

First off, post on blog.
Then look up camera flash's.
Then, find parental figures, they appear to be missing.
Find out when mom is riding.
Get some stuff organized in the way of leaving.
Shower.
Dry off.
lol
Go buy flash and film for camera.
Learn how to use flash.
Take pictures of mom riding.
Have a nap.
Work latenight at Dennys.
Sleep for couple hours.
Go to Southwestern Breakfast.
Leave breakfast get energy drink.
Work Swing KIDS FUCKIN EAT FREE night at Dennys.
Go to horsey party with/for mommy.
Pass out and not wake up for 12 hours.

YAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!! Sounds like fuN! I'm excited.

Ok, maybe not, but it shouldn't be to bad... I might actually make money tonight, tho if I remember correctly, Saturdays are better, and like, sunday-thursday latenights are even better sitll. Oh well. Ce le vie.

And now... i'm eating pineapple!! So to finish this blog, I'm going to post a song from a movie, that I know alot of the songs for, but have actually not seen, which makes me sad, I should fix that. Anyways, Mel will enjoy this, and so shall you!

If you brought me diamonds,

If you brought me pearls,

If you brought me roses

Like some other gents

Might bring to other girls,

It couldn't please me more

Than the gift I see;A pineapple for me.

If in your emotion

You begin to sway

Went to get some air

Or grabbed a chair

To keep from fainting dead away,

It couldn't please me more

Than to see you cling

To the pineapple I bring.

A pineapple...

For me.

From me.

Panic

Approx shifts at Dennys left: 14

Days actually employed there: 19

Days till leave Vancouver for Nashville: 28

Things I'm going to miss while gone: Many

Mel's Birthday, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Fathers birthday, Cole's birthday cousins and aunts birthdays, my mother competing, Phil competing, the JB party, ME competing, Becca packing, road trips, camping trips, hanging out with the boys, riding my horse, going for random drives, my car, seeing Mel all tanned after Disney Land, the random movie nights, or going "bowling" and ending up sliding down a hill of doom... gaahhhhhhhh.......

Some days I wonder if its worth it to be the crazy spontaneous person who randomly packs up and leaves for a few months... and then I go..... wait, of course it is, I'm Dez man, this is what I do and this is what makes life so interessting.

But at the same time its hard to know exactly what I'm going to miss, and only having a vague idea what for...

Despite possible external appearances, I really do worry about my friends. And I know you all know that I'm going to miss you, and I'm sure you knew that I"d miss you before I knew!! lol. But in the past while I've really accepted the fact that I can only really take care of me. I can help, I can support others... but I can only really take care of me, and each of you can only really take care of yourselves. I can't help any of you untill you want to be helped... I have my own battle i'm fighting right now, and for the most part i'm winning, but I still have days where staying in bed and crying seems like the best idea... where going to bed and crying myself to sleep in hopes of never waking up is somehow a seductive thought... but I get over it, b/c I don't want to live like that... its fucking hard, and I know you all know that, but we each deal with it in our own way, but know that I don't want to live like that, I keep busy, and I go out with friends and ppl who care about me so that I don't get stuck... I don't actually know where else I'm going with this, so I'll go back to me leaving.

I'm not at all prepared to leave yet... hell, i haven't even cleaned out my car from the LAST trip i went on, and that was a month ago... my room is somehow getting worse, everytime i try to "clean" and "organize" and "sort" and "dispose of unneeded items" my room somehow gets more cluttered, and seems totally beyond help. however; Nic inspired me to get some of my posters back up, which is a lil bit of an improvement.

Theres just so much to do, and time is running out, and it keeps running out, cause I'm focussing more on living before I leave... I've become closer to some ppl in the past few weeks than I have in the couple years I've known them... whcih is odd, b/c I figured I'd just slowly detach myself before I left... *sigh* i confuse and surprise even me.

Also... i don't know if I've mentioned this (ok, i'm positive I have...) but my tailbone is super bad... bad enough, that I... the horribly stubborn Dezeray, am going to make a Dr's appointment for next week. Be proud, this is a rare and momentous occasion.

My name tag at Denny's right now says: Dizzerae <-that makes me happy!

Cole, have fun in Vancouver, I'm going to miss you, please drive safely you have to come back to me.

I'm working a late night shift tomorrow... er.... tonight, of my own accord, so that I can watch my mom ride in the evening... there are a grand total of 4 servers NOT working tomorrow... thats it... thats how understaffed we are... and the ones who weren't working 3 are in school, and 1 already was scheduled for 40 hours +... switching was all I could do to not work, and now I understand why they try to force you in when you are sick... they literally have noone to call in.

But I need sleep... good night to you all.

Dez stuff...

Did you know that a steel wool pad burns SUPER easily?!?! <-random fact learned in school today

And we'll see if this works... tired of not having a voice, so made a concoction of lemon, honey, whiskey and hot water... hope I get my voice back, cause blah that was not yummy.

And where did I get the bright idea to shave my legs?!?! I fucking cut myself and it won't stop bleeding!! Grr..

Ooh look, a lighter.

On a completly unrelated note, i"m going to take this steel wool pad and um... "clean" something...

Love and burns,

Roll up the rim to get so annyoed with not winning you want to set your cup on fire!!!

Why don't they actually print cups that say things like this... like, HONESTY!!
I couldn't actually find the picture I wanted... I used to have one that said "I peed in your cup... enjoy" But that one better suits how I feel right now. I haven't even one a fucking donut out of these thigns yet, and I think we all know I drink ALOT of tea... in randomness, even though I hate yogurt, I've started buying tim hortons yogurt, b/c the commercial thing in the drive thru made it look yummy, and I figure I dont eat enough Dairy anyways, YAY MY FAVOURITE SONG IS PLAYING! and with all the berries you can hardly taste the yogurt anyways!

Awww Yah! Billy’s at the bar, he’s been there all night First ten beers he’s had, since her goodbye HEY! HEY!She left him broke, in his new truck He don’t smoke, but he lights one up Temporary fix, for his heartache He’s hurting bad, but he’s feeling great! Lot of drunks, get real mean They’ll pick a fight, over anything Billy wants to laugh, that’s why he’s here You won’t see him cry, unless you spill his beer. He’s on the dance floor yelling FreebirdSinging off pitch but he knows every wordGrabs him another girl he hold on tight He don’t see ugly Through blood shot eyes He’ll fall apart when he gets home But right now his worries are gone. But right now his worries are gone Life looks good, good, good Billy’s got his beer goggles on!!

Tee hee, I love that song. So.... hm.... when did I post last. Wow, not for a couple days. So, had Jeremy's going away thing last night that I kinda set up at the boys apartment, but kinda forgot to inform any of the inhabitants... oops.

Finally went to school yesterday, and today. Was video taped today in management so that we can watch it and evaluate our communication skills. Discovered I touch my face alot, and by the conversation, you'd think i was a lush. We are stranded in the woods in january, we only have 12 items, and my best idea is to polish off the whiskey!! *sigH* Also, my voice apparently isn't as high pitched as everyone makes it out to be, and I believed it to be... kinda nice, tho I still think I sound weird... I wish everyone could hear what I hear when I talk, i have a pretty cool voice inside my head :D (yes i'm aware how that sounds, and for your information, my voices think I have psychological problems)

Hmm... in other news my tailbone is magically getting worse... like seriously bad... like, wake me up in the middle of the night if I try and sleep in anyohter position than curled up on my side in the fetal position, and falling off couch in pain because I shifted my weight... *sigh*

I hope I can get outa work tomorrow so I can go take GOOD pictures of my mom... I realized *(stupid me) that when I meant to put it on Automatic, i was actually putting it on automatic apature only... *sigh* silly silly Dez, that explains the not so good pictures... I hope the wizard gets back to me soon, I've got alot on back order... A brain... a Heart... *sigh*

Anwyays, i grow weary of trying to perch perfectly to avoid throbbing pain in tailbone area, and should go clean bedroom and get ready for work... so, i bid yee all adieu.

sosleepyandheadstartingtohurt

i'mgoingtotypethiswithoutspacessobearwithme.

didn'tgotoclasstodayagainwillgotomorrow

itsactuallyreallyhardtotypewithoutspaces.

lessthanthirtydaystillIleave.

lessthan4tilljeremyleaves.

myheadhurtsit'sthreeamIshouldbesleeping...

goodnightsweetdreamsI'mofftofindmelatoninsoidon't. (dreamthatis)

I started out with nothing, and still have most of it left.

Ok, lets post this Bridget Jone's style.

Age: 18

Weight: 127 lbs

Height: 5'2"

Amount accomplished this evening: Dick all

Number of phone calls made: 0

Number of e-mails written: 0

Baths taken: 0

Books read: 0

Frusteration Level: High

Hours wasted fighting with computers: To many

Hours of sleep this week: Not enough

Amount of h/w finished: 0

Number of pictures taken today: 44

Dollars spent today: $400 +

Amount of gas in car: 1/2 tank

Days before leaving: 31

Enthusiasm for school tomorrow: 0

Enthusiasm for going to work tomorrow: -10

Days left working in hell: 22

Number of times crying this week: 2 (surprisingly low)

Number of vertabres out: All

Wisdom teeth needing to be pulled: 2

Number of nails I haven't masacred: 4 (surprisingly high)

How long that will last: Minutes

Number of posts today: 3

Number of times listening to key BNL songs for sake of sanity: Many

Amount of chocolate/sugar consumed: High

Pain level: High

Healing of the tailbone: Negative

People asking me to give foot massages in the past week: 4


Ok, its midnight, my vagina's about to turn into a pumpkin, and I haven't found Peter Peter somthing or other yet...

Happy things!

Morning Poem

I woke early one morning,

The earth lay cool and still.

When suddenly a tiny bird,

Perched on my window sill.

He sang a song so lovely,

So carefree and so gay,

That suddenly all my cares,

Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places,

Of laughter and of fun.

It seemed his very trilling,

Brought up the morning sun.

I crept beneath the covers,

Crawled slowly out of bed.

Then gently shut the window,

And crushed his fucking head.

I'm not a morning person.

Daily Prayers

Dear Lord,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the strength to change the things I cannot accept,

and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

Dear Lord,

So far today I'm doing alright.

I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self-indulgent.

I have not whined, complained, cursed, or eaten any chocolate.

I have charged nothing on my credit card.

But I will be geting out of bed in a minute, and I think I will really be needing your help then.

Stage Manager Dez's Prayer

Dear Lord,

So far today I'm doing alright.
I have not lost my temper, cried, been nasty or yelled.

I have not hurt a fellow cast or crew member emotionally or physically.

Nor have I contemplated jumping off a bridge.

My headache hasn't yet turned into a migraine.

I haven't indulged in chocolate or other fattening foods.

I have not smoked more than a pack, gotten stoned or drunk.

But I will be going to the theatre in a minute, and I think i will really be needing your help then.

The Cat in the Hat on Aging.

I cannot see

I cannot pee

I cannot chew

I cannot screw

Oh my god, what can I do?

My memory shrinks,

My hearing stinks

No sense of smell

I look like hell.

My mood is bad-can you tell?

My body's drooping

Have trouble pooping

The Golden years have come at last

The golden years can kiss my ass.

Its the end of the world as we know it...

YAYY!!!! Well, I'm me, so NATURALLY I had an over stimulating day.

Part 1: Woke up, late, with cell phone in hand (kinda trippy, must've been to lazy to put it back after hitting hte snooze button countless times) drug my ass into the shower, made myself all squeaky clean, brushed teeth (notice this said nothing about eating breakfast), drove to Dentist.

Hygenist raped my gums, made me gag while taking x-rays, then informed me my bottom wisdom teeth have to go, but they haven't surfaced so they'll have to "dig" for them. Luckily, not till I get back. *phew*

Part 2: Went off to london drugs to spend money!! Bought myself a camera lense, originally priced for $499, got it for $299. Also bought filter so that if dropped, filter will break not lense, SWEET! Ran out to car to put together and try out. Got the lense on.... turned the camera on.... and fuck, forgot the batteries died before I broke the goddamned thing... ok, not a biggie, grab purse, jump out of car, close door. Apparently locked door before closing, and FORGOT to take keys out of ignition. Spent next hour on hood of car talking on cell phone waiting for BCAA to come save me. They come, wedge my door open and use a stick to open lock.

Part 3: Proceed to Mel's where we talk to long and I am late for class, and she is nearly late for class... go to boys apartment, nearly crash 3 different computers with a CD filled with all my pictures... sit and talk to Nic forever, miss my marketing class.

Part 4: Drive out to beaverly, watch mom ride horse, tkae pictures (more than a whole roll) abandon her drive home, grab macaroni salad, chat on MSN, grab ice cream cake, adn here we are.

Epilogue: I should get some h/w done today to make upp for the lack of class in the past week, I want a bath and to read a book, need to make a couple phone calls, and should write some overdue e-mails...I hve to sort out my float, do some laundry, and maybe tidy up a little. SHould do some studying for southwesten also. There are also the horses to feed, and I want to be in bed by 11, I have to be at breakfast for 8 am tomorrow. Also, whilst I sit here eating cake, I should fight with the picture files some more, and when my mom gets home I shall visit her.

In other random news, hands are completly chapped, damn Dennys, the paper cut on my lip is nearly healed, my tailbone is constantly in pain, the swelling on my head has gone down, my shoulder is really tender, and that little scrape on my knuckle from crazy carpeting has STILL not healed. WOw... all my random news had to do with my body and how beat up I am... can you imagine if I actually did like, sports?!?!

Other randomness, can you tell I got blogger to start uploading pictures agian... I have sooooooooo many on this computer, I hope i cna get them saved properly, or I'm gunna be sending alot of e-mails to myself.

Top left: Me at Becca/Eric's 19th bday, just before christmas.

Top Right: Me and Jesse Luscumbe during Dr Deveraux (2003)

Middle left: Me and Kantana, few years agoish.

Middle Right: Me and baby cousin Jack, Vancouver spring 2004

Goodnight everybody!! *waves over enthusiastically* :D

Busy busy

I notice that lately i keep myself busy. Constantly... I never go home if presented any option otherwise, I spend NO time doing little or meanial things... I keep active, my days are filled.

ie) Monday: Get up, do h/w, shower, go to Dentist, get camera lense possibly, go to school, watch mother ride horse, hang out with Ashley (possibly), get home way to late, sleep.

Tuesday: Get up, go to breakfast, go to school, go to work, go out with friends after work, go home to late, go to sleep.

I think last tuesday was the ONLY night I haven't gone out in 2 weeks... so crazy. It helps stay upbeat tho... one thing about rock bottom, is theres no where to go but up... and its a pretty wide base, pretty "stable" for all intensive purposes. Up top tho, little narrower, little less hand holds, and a long ways to fall. I'm doing well with the balance I think tho, i just hope that the busy thing isn't a blindfold to my actual positioning. I know slipped a little bit tonight, but I'll chalk my hands and get a better grip.

Also noticed that I crave physical attention... super bad...

Maybe my personality is a lil more blue than I'll admit Cole... but I've noticed a green aspect to, and i'm a little bit obviously red, so I'm thinkin I'm pretty hub...

I hope i'm going to Ontario for the right reasons.

Jeremy, I'm really going to miss you, damn you for leaving before I leave... I"M the one whos supposed to leave everybody, you could've at least waited for me to leave... of course then it owuld prove my fears true about everyone changing/leaving while I"m gone...

Also, I've TOTALLY managed to avoid the emotional breakdown, which is amazing for how the past few days have gone. Way to go Dez for not crying. Except on Adam... Adam just has this talent for saying the "right" thing. And of course Cole, but hun, you're Cole, I'll probably always cry on you. However, haven't cried by myself or on family, which is more normal "Dez wise" and... no breakdown... yay for slowly achieving stability. Have been moody lately tho... very grumpy, very not good. Will work on that.

I need to sleep, my head hurts, my butt hurts, and my heart hurts.

Goodnight, and thank you to everyone who is so wondreful to me.

ps. Jen, I miss that crazy girl you used to be... I really really miss you.

Personality

The totality of qualities and traits, as of character or behavior, that are peculiar to a specific person.

Personality... a very hard thing to define, and describe.

But, as discovered today.... I have none. Which I will put random fragmented pieces about below, bear with me.

I am unable to do anything without adapting a character. Lines, speeches, reading... can't do that in a normal voice.

I continually quote movies, quotes, plays...

I am a sponge who instantly picks up quirks of those around me.

When all my friends that I was close to were depressed, I became overly depressed as well.

At work I cannot speak in a normal voice, and use different voices/choice words for different tables.



So if my personality is merely a reflection of those around me:

People who like me, obviously like themselves, or the ppl I am associated with when they are near.

People who dislike me, actually have a deep hidden dislike for themselves.


My personality (or lack there of) is described as "big" when I'm in a crowd b/c I take on so many ppls personalities as once...



Mm K, that was my theoretical post of the day.

Forgot to say

When I pulled into my driveway I saw a bunny rabbit hop accross my driveway... either that or I"m on really good drugs.

WHEN is the next Nana comming out?!?!

Do I even bother asking when Zelda; Twilight Princess comes out?

I really need a new video game, but what sthe point when I'm so busy and leaving soon...

I need to borrow a computer to see whats up with my picture files... boys maybe?

There was somthing else, but I forgot it again, so w/e.

Ce le vie...

Such is life...

Weird mood day.

Wow... the ups and downs of today... got alot accomplished this morning, which was a really nice change, went to work, and became instant grumpy... it was just the atmosphere, at one point I felt like turning to Adrian and saying "this isnt' working... I'm going home" And just leaving... but I eventually got over that, went for a break, fellt a lil bit better, got a ten and felt FREAKIN AWESOME!! I was back to being happy and it was good... right up until like, 9 pm, and I got super grouchy agian... then I started getting clumsy, which makes me even more flustered, and it was just bad. Actually frightened Brandon, and he started flinching everytime I walked in the back... and randomness; Seriously, I dont' know why I haven't had horribly rude customers lately, besides luck... I doubt i'd be able to keep feelings to myself right now. Anyhoo, got off work (just after 11) and decided I didn't want to wait for Cole at Denny's, so I went to the apartment and polished off my bucket of icecream... then he called b/c he left his lights on so i came to the rescue. Then prolly the weirdest part of my moods tongiht, I wanted to go watch a movie... like super bad... which is weird... I NEVER want to watch a movie... I generally don't ahve the patience or the attention span... plus I like being on the go, watching a movie is like relaxing... I blame Steve, so naturally I phone Steve and Chris... no answer, Ashley, working, Melanie, working, Adam, working, Heidi, at the party Cole was about to leave me for... Nic, watching a movie with someone else... didn't know who else I could really call since it was just a lil before midnight... got frusterated, gave up, drove home... which is ironic really. Its Friday night... I no longer have to work past 10 (in theory) and i"m home at like, midnight... MIDNIGHT!!! Of course, all week I avhe'tn been home since before 3 am, but on a freakin weekedn, I'm home at midnight... ha ha... then I got the fun idea to have a sprite and vodka, but no, we're out of vodka... so I attempted to make a baileys and hot chocolate, but I'm not really a fan of baileys (I much prefer hot sex...) and I've kinda put more baileys than hotchocolate, and blah... I drank half but I'm not really interessted anymore... *sigH* OH! And for the record... someone shoulda taken me out tonight, lol, i look hot! Or, at least I feel that I look hot tonight... one of those days I geuss... maybe frowning is a sexy look for me?!? Prolly not, lol.

Oh, and for the record, Denny's has officially become my life. Frist off, the whole ordering my food and having someone cook it the way I want it... ya, kinda forgot it doesnt' really happen that way at home. Also, the whole scooping ice cream with something otehr than a #12 scoop, not so cool. We haven't a shot glass, hence the over stimulation of baileys, I didn't know how much to use, and if I don't have ashot glass at work, ramikins are 1.5 ounces, and syrup cruets are 2 ounces. Also... with my baileys do you know what I ate? A Dennys' brownie... and the whole using a microwave through me off since I actually had to type in the time and hit start... also, wimpy microwave compared to Denny's, everything took twice as long... *sigh* ce le vie.

So now I'm sitting here... alone... at 1 am, slightly buzzed off baileys, too grumpy to tlak to the losers that are actually online... wanting to watch a movie... maybe I'll go plug in Moulin Rouge... or I could just listen to the soundtrack and fall asleep... sleep is probably important.... especially since lots to do tomorrow... I somehow have to get a DQ cake for my mom in the morning, trim my horses feet, go get hay, buy my mom a birthday gift, all before 2:30 pm whcih is when I have to work. GAH, and that stupid case study worth 18% of my mark... i gotta throw some imput into that before monday when tis due... *Sigh*

OH! Add to list below... Pick up tack from indoor riding arena. that is a very important, very expensive thing to forget before I leave for ontario...

Ok, i give up on the world, I'm going to go sleep now.

My Friendship Promise

1When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall! - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why? You may ask. Because you are my friend.

What I meant to say...

What I really meant to say
Is I'm really not that strong
No matter how I try
I'm still holding on
And here's the honest truth
I'm still in love with you
That's what I really meant to say

A happier post!

SO! Today, (in the next two hours) i'm going to...

Clean the bathroom
Go through some stuff in my room
Deworm the horses
Brush the horses
Do some h/w
Get ready for work

Before I leave for Ontario I need to:

See my Dr
Dentist
Chiropractor
Clean room
Clean car
Fix hair
Finish school

And already today I've

Taken out the garbage
Talked to my mommy
Posted on my blog x2
Gone through all the blogs
Fought with the computer about a disc full of pictures my mom wanted me to go through
Swore at the computer for telling me my file was corrupted
Replied a couple e-mails
Made a list of things to do
Ate Fruitloops
Cleaned out my purse

Wow, I really made it look like i've accomplished somethieng in the couple hours I"ve been up!! Woo hoo!! '

Tomorrow is my Mom's birthday, Nic's dad's birthday, my friend Adam's birthday.... so crazy, and I haven't gotten my mom a gift yet... hell, I kinda haven't gotten Tiffany a gift, and her birthday was on the 10th... well, I got her a gift, but I haven't gotten her the REST of her gift...

Kinda like my christmas present eh Becca? :P!! this is going to be one of those ongoing, everlasting inside jokes... bwa ha ha ha ha!!! OH! Becca, good luck with your recording today!

Ok, the bandana is on, the hair's tied back (btw, got angry and cut bangs yesterday... so much for me growing them out) I'm off to clean and accomplilsh things!!

I think the world needs a drink

Ok, well lets startl by addressing everyone's seperation fears. We're all in different situations right now... some are staying here for the time being to accomplish/work towards goals and dreams, some are here just existing, some of us are leaving to chase dreams, some of us are getting away just for experience and the sake of getting away... but when you look at it, we're all doing what we have to. You're right Mel, we're not in highschool, adn AMEN, I hated highschool!! lol! But you're right, highschool was that place where we all met everday, i remember when you went to Ottawa, it totally sucked not seeing you everyday. However, I'd also like to believe that our friendship is close enough that I don't need to see you everyday, or even every week. I'm busy, we're all busy, nad I try and post on my blog often b/c it lets alot of ppl keep up with whats going on with me. Some of you complain about how a relationship of phone calls isn't a good one... for the record, thats the relationship I have with my own mohter right now and we live in the same house. I see her maybe once a week, and then I talk to her on the phone about every other day... Don't get me wrong, i'm scared like the rest of you, while you're all here at home, I'll be gone... but hten 4 months later i'm comming back. Alot can happen in 4 months, unlike you guys, I"m not continuing with my life, i'm putting it on hiatus going off and living another life for 4 months, and going to attempt to return to the first life... but know that I love all of you, and we can do this... ( I hope that wasn't all ramble, and that I actually got a point accross...)

Now, lets talk about suicide. Somethign I've obviously contemplated a few times. However, am healthy now, but one can't really say athe same about my friends. The reason for dragging this up is the movie I watcehd, "About a Boy" the little boy comes home one day and finds his mother lying on the floor, she attempted suicide. From there on (theres other stuff to) but for the most part its about him trying to make his mom happy... he tries to get her a b/f, and when she gets really depressed again, he basically attempts social suicide by singing a song she loves in front of the school to make her happy... he was badly bullied in school, and then he started to fit in, but was willing to give that up to make his mom happy. Then Hugh Grant says to him "You cant make your mom happy... only your mom can make herself happy." So I want to repeat that for all my friends, We can't make the others happy.... they have to want to do that for themselves... theres only so much each of us can bear, and I think we should all start with our own lives and our own problems. I fight depression all the time, and trying to fight someone else's depression only makes it worse. Right now, I'd really rather just surround myslef with happy upbeat ppl... I dont' want to go back to cutting myself, to hating life, to wanting to end my existence... I LOVE being that person who lights up a room just by walking in it, the one whos passionate about EVERYTHING... I love life... but going back to old habits is way to easy, especially if those around you still practice them. I love you all, but I can only take so much.

If you like pina coladas...

Ok i'm not even sure how many blogs i have titled that, but when you like something stick with it right?!? Wow... This is a lil sick how fast i can type on my cellphone... Kinda pathetic really. Anyways, not much to report, i should really try getting home early one night... But i've been having fun. Work sucks, but it kinda partially sucks because i really don't care anymore, but oh well, such is life. I leave in 34 days... So excited... So much to do. Dr, chiro, dentist, room, car (clean not fix... Am gunna put that off till my return) training, finals, hmm... Theses more i just can't remember at the mo. Tomorrow tho, am going to try and be a good student, and accomplish things around house to... We'll see. Had fun after work tonight, watched a movie, twas nice to just relax. M k, sleep under the stars is about to claim me,that is one thing i don't want to adjust to... Sleeping without glowing stars. Ps... Yay for sobe rush's getting me through work. And yax adam's b day soon!

So sleepy... yet here I sit...

Ok, for Chris's benifit I'm posting... god someone more obsessive than me... god I' must be annoying.

Interessting day today, got up at 10:30 (went to bed at 11:30 night before) ate lunch, did computer stuff, listened to Moulin Rouge soundtrack while cleaning room kidna... drove into town and dropped off movie at Stan and Diana's, went to accounting, didn't get my midterm back, amen, left that went to try and rescue Heidi's car, jumped it, that didn't work, found the starter and hit it, that didn't work, some guy SHOOK the car, that worked... drove it aobut 15 feet and it died again, we stood there kicking it, THAT didn't work, so I pushed it into a parking spot, back to CNC to pay for parking ticket, then get student ID, picture looks horrible, so went and got icecream, went to Cole's appartment, ruthlessly attacked Nic (speaking of which, whats going on relationship wise it better not be that girl we talked about...) and then dropped Heidi off, went and worked out with Kaylee (soo good to see her again...), felll on the stationary upright bike thing, hurt my tailbone, again... badly... had a hard time walking, phoned Steve back, he found my MP3 player in the snow, yay, super yay, it still works, DOUBLE super yay, met Kaylee at Dennys', went over math h/w, ate nachos, took Ashley to Ryan's house, watched half of Jarhead, good movie, drove Ash BACK to work, ended up staying there chatting, Garfield was there, wanted to puke, however his haircut and glasses look good, and i'm really happy he got a job tree planting... Chris kinda showed up super drunk, then I went for a drive with Mike to see how busy the bars were, they weren't, so they let Ashley go home, so i took her and Mac to Adams house, where Adam kinda said the right thing but made me cry, had a good talk with Cole (missed you babe), and watched some weird Anime movie, then dropped Mac off at home, left, noticed car was making funny noise, realized I was probably outa oil, but by the time I got to the Petrocan, noticed the noise was comming from the back, figure it must be exaust from hitting super deep pothole kinda to fast earlier, put oil in anyways, drove home and arrived at 3:45 am, found father still up and awake... and he just went ot bed, where i think I should be oging., as I have class at 10 am, and work at....... frick... I dont' nkow if its 2 or 3... *sigh* i'll have to figure that out at some point to....

Yay for the longest run on sentence ever.

and THAT was how my day was w/o any emotional attachment... er... mostly none anyways.

Side note, why do I fall in love with characters better than real ppl? especially anime or manga... damn japanese drawings!

Priceless

Blue Eyeshadow...................................................................... $12

Red Lipcolour.......................................................................... $8

Blush Stick.............................................................................. $25

Black Eyeliner......................................................................... $3

The look on your mothers face when she gets home from work and sees how you applied them all?

Priceless.

There are some thigns money can't buy... but for your daughter's straight jacket, there's mastercard.

So bored...

Omg... soo... I'm staying home with my family tonight right?! Well... so I'm kidna bored, not used to this whole "not doing somehting thing" so I'm rumaging around the bathroom..... and I find an old lipstick... and then eyeshadow... then blush... then I finish with eyeliner, and I really wanna go out in public like this!! ha ha... maybe not, I have a feeling my sister won't let me, but I'll post it on my blog for everyone to see hwat happens when Dez gets bored...

ok... blogger and/or my computer is STILL being a bitch... so I can't put the picture up... which sucks... doesn't matter, the real thing looks so much better anwyays... the picture does no justice. I'm sure I dont' ahve to tlel you the lipstick is bright red, and the eyeshadow is 3 shades of blue.

Le Sigh

Well... this mornings already been off to a good start... woke up, fell back asleep, woke up to find out I had minutes to get to school, quickly fixed my hair, grabbed my purse, clothes, annnnnnnnd... keys were missing. Not in the ignition, my purse, pockets. So I phone Cole. Not in his car, he comes to get me, go to Steve's house, not at Steve's house, phoned Mel, in her car!! YAY!! By this time I'm more than 1/2 hour late for class... Oh, also, Cole drove me to Mickey Dee's so I could get some nurishment, and at first I was like, WOW... McDonalds is perfect for hangovers... right up untill my body tried to digest... didn't feel so hot then. ANyways, went to Mel's, got my keys, back to Ashley's for my car, went to school, walked into class and..... teacher never showed up... *grumble grumble* so I went up to booster Juice and got a well... booster juice. Then I realized, shoot, I have a meeting in town at 1:15, so why go home, but where would I go, I can't do h/w I'm way to out of it, I could get osme important things done, but I didnt' have what I needed so... i'm home now. And leaving again shortly.

So last night was oodles of fun. Kinda got drunk, not that I actually drank much... but it was enough that I was horribly dizzy as always... but we danced lots, and watched half of Beauty and the Beast, half of Piartes of the Carribean, The Little Mermaid, and castle on a cloud or something... they played a drinking game, which I somehow got involved and had to kiss heidi.. which was so bad cause I couldn't stop laughing so I totally ground my teeth into her lips... poor girl, but very funny. What else did we do? Not sure, but it was oodles of fun!!! Stan's going to miss me, and I'm going to miss stan. Mac's going to miss me, and I'm going to miss Mac... Those are just the people who told me so last night, and I know I'm going to miss so many more of you and its scary, you know... .me, Dez, MISSING people... And what scares me is will these ppl even be here when I get back?!? 4 months is a long time... need a shower, brb.

yay for shower,... all clean and sparkly now!! Kinda like my personality... sparkly that is... Ack, nto that I'm dirty... or am I? ha ha.... ya... n/m

Frick... I'm running late for meeting, GOSH, can I NEVER be on time...... ACK< i have to collect stuff to, shit, fuck, bye!

If at first you don't succeed...

Sky diving is not for you.

Try doing it the way your cowgirl told you to.

Lower your standards.

Call it quits and have a beer.

fuck, Fuck, FUCK

that about sums it up... marketing is most important b/c I have 2 other people depending on me, so I grab my notes, and they HARDLY make sense... which is kinda shitty cause I was depending on taking my old notes and throwing them into proper sentences... i'm off to college early in hopes that reading the article will allow it to make more sense... also, didnt' get any studying in last night b/c fucking head was pounding, and I really have no idea whats going on in accounting suddenly... so fucked...

Also, randomness, Nic, don't worry about last night, dude, it was MY headache, therefore my problem...

Speaking of headaches, I can feel it creeping back.... just the to the right of my forehead...

fuck... FUCK... FUCK... FUCK....

I like that word... can anyone tell?!?!

More random thoughts before I pass in bed b/c my head hurts so bad I can't see straight...

The moon looked so pretty comming home.

I love the eyeliner I wore today.

I love the fact there is a water bottle next to the computer everyday.

I don't think its embarrassing to be wrapped up in a blanket in public.

I'm ssooooooooo wearing my new wranglers tomorrow.

Also, so wearing PJ's to movie night.

I really miss my mom.

Denny's isn't actually that bad of a place to work.

I love this picture of Nana.

I want to get back into theatre when I return from Ontario.

Paul is amazing with photoshop.

I want a Mac Laptop.

I need a new camera lense.

Phil is awesome.

Cole is so wonderful to me.

How can the boys have newspapers dating back to january 4th, but not have the on I need (January 21st)

There were other thoughts for this I can't remember.

I'm going to go pass out now.

Dedicated Student

This post shall be started with a direct quote from Ashley, speaking of me and my school ethic etc...

"you ARE a dedicated student ...you are dedicated to many things and yes you are a student"

Sooooooooo true.

OK, yay for wireless keyboards, this is deffiently making me happy.

K, on with the post, first off, my hair. Nothin is actually wrong with my hair, but it WAS dyed darker than natural, so that will grow out while i'm gone, tho I think its only actually a shade off natural after all that washed out. Second of all, it needs a trim for split ends, and I was thinkin of streaking it before leaving it, so its lighter and such. blah blah blah... also was thinking of cutting bangs, but am now considering re growing them out... already part way there, maybe I'll see how they look just before I leave.

Also, in addition to "the list" is

Clean bedroom

Clean car

2 SUPER important things not sure how I forgot them

Also,

Collect tack

At the moment, it is 1 am and I am at Cole's house listneing to Freeze Pop, and the boys yelling over some silly computer game they're all playing... noen of wich is helping the headache.

Some of you may have noticed that I"m not doing my h/w... i have no comment on this besides, fuck off and die, and/or, shut up. Either or, you pick.

Ack, getting grumpy again... not good.

In randomness I'm waering a t-shirt that says "My name is NOT darlin"

Sour Mentos, deffinetly a dissapointment.

Both my socks have holes in the big toe. I blame Denny's I think it rots my socks off my feet... i go to work with no holes, and ocme home with holes. These socks are only a few montsh old also... acutally, maybe like, 7 montsh, but STILL!!

I have consumed all my chocolate, and still want more, whats wrong with me?!?

Saw Ryan today, from cooking class.... he says I'm not allowed to go to Ontario.

interessting thoughts for the day:

It is not fair to be with someone when you're in love with another.
It is not fair to be in love with someone when they don't return the feelings.

Or is it actually, alls fair in love and war?

Hmmmmmmm....... and i've lost the train of thought, but I think there was more.

OH! "I love you but..." is the most horrible statement in the world... it has no closer, and leaves a wound open filled with salty grains of hope.

WOW... the boys are SUPER getting into their game... so loud... i'm surprised the neighbors don't complain... i would!! lol

Ack... head is throbbing now... and wow, i dno't really remmeber much of what I've posted, so I hope its entertaining... lol. Good night to all who read this, and wish me luck tomorrow, for I'm really fucking going to need it...

Not that I'm bitter...

Just had to put a post with that title b/c I realize I say it alot...

Yay GIR!

Wow is my blog messed right now... Mel's blog says it has no comments when I obviosuly have commented... it double posted the voice post, and it triple posted a comment I put on Phil's blog... so weird... so so weird...

And Jeremy... SA stands for Service Assistant. AKA Denny's Dishwasher

Oh yes, list of things to do before Ontario

1. Quit Denny's <- done

2. See Dr

3. See Dentist

4. Fix hair

Im sure there are others, but I will update this as I go.

Need sleep now.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I HAVE NO VOICE!

Tho on here I can make it look like i"m yelling... anyways, i've been up for like, 1 1/2 hours and I had no idea that I can't talk at all... went out to say hi to my sister and it was like... *croak*

And now I have the worst craving in the world for chocolate... must go in search...

Here in my car... I feel safest of all

Wwwhheeeeeeeeeeeeeee........ so much fun last night. I actually posted about it already, but me and my cell phone are working out some glitches, and by the time we came to a reconciliation, my whole post had been erased, and I was to tired to repost... brb, i need breakfast!

Mmmmmmmm.... fresh pineapple. HEY! Its better than yesterday... 2 pieces of leftover bday icecream cake...

Anyways, continueing with my story, last night a certain SA asked me if I had plans that night, and when I replied no, he retorted, I"M probably even going to go out, and I haven't slept. However, 2 hours later, Heidi and a drunk Dana and Sylvie all showed up at Denny's to invite me to a St Patricks day party... which of course I informed the silly SA of, that I was going out... and in the end he came with, yay for irony. Lol, but it was awesome, I like hanging out with him. but let us go back to the begining.

Got off work, took Ash to Heidi's, where we were given/made tinfoil bras... took Ash back to Denny's so she could work her split shift... *sigh* poor girl. then picked Steve up, and drove him back to the party, where we all just chilled and socialized nad danced, and had way to much fun. OH OH!! I had the BEST cigar ever yesterday... and I can't remember the name... there was a black in the name, but it wasn't Captain Black's... it was good hto, I really liked it. What else occured... Heidi drug out green dye and put it in the beer, which made her very happy. Nothing else really sticks out, it was just overall good fun. THe company was lovely, oh, speaking of the lovely company, lol, Steve, book, bring to work... tho I dont' know if you actually read this... if you do, comment! lol

Towarsd the end it got a lil anti climatic, I had a guy ramble on aobut how Southwestern was gunna screw me over and I wasn't going to make any money, then someone spilt pop on the carpet so I helped get that clean, and then a fight broke out... it wasn't big or anything, but the guy was gettin a lil weird about it, and when we left an hour or so later he was still kinda out on the street with his buddies pinning him down telling him there was no reason to fight.... he seemed like an alright guy BEFORE the alcohol tho

Mmmmmmmmm pineapple so yummy!!!

GAH! I almost cried... tips sucked last night, it wa slike, $0.40 here, $0.60 here... like super bad, but after cash out I had 2 dollars... we eventually found where another 20 had gone, but SERIOUSLY... I used to make like, $60 a night... $40 was a slow night where you didnt' sell much... *sigh* ce le vie.

SO, anywyas, after party, me, Steve, Hiedi, Nic, Adam, Cole, and Heather all went to Denny's to see Ashley, where the kitchen proceeded to only give us half of what we ordered (literally, they chopped all the sandwiches in half and only snet one half out) as punishment for comming to Denny's... they eventually surrendered tho, and gave up the food. Still, very much fun. Yay for me not bothering to get a full 8 hours at all in the past week... i somehow slept more when I was on graveyards... meh.

Anwyays, I'm in my pj's still, and have to leave the house in an hour, but have to type up a resume, sort out my float, memorize an introduction, and FUCK! I have that marketing group thing due mondya... gah... plus a midterm... AND i work tonight... but apparently I'm coming home straight after work to do h/w... fuck fuck fuck.... anyone wanna work my Sunday Swing for me?

Ciao mien noodle.

~_~

Psst... (Cole) sometimes that little special something can't be found if you keep lookign for it... sometimes you gotta just try it out, and see what happens... sometimes friendship puts up a barrier hiding that something special... meh, not everyone can be like ME! I'm so wonderful... and modest, lol

Mmm... Bed...

Posting in bed on cell to express how wonderful it feels to lie curled up in the fetal position in my oh so comfy bed...

Fuckin... A...

Omg... Dane Cook was soooo right when he said "more like slip and BLEED FROM THE ANUS"

I just got home from an uber great night. It started with getting off of work... going to Ash's house, trying to think of something to do, then calling everyone we could think of to come with for bowling. In the end it was only me, Ash, Cole, Adam, Phil, Heidi, and Nic. Yay to all of you. Steve wanted to come, but he was trying to be a good student, or at least last minute denial of being a bad student. Also, Jeremy would've came but he had to shower and I was impatient. So bowling was uber fun, tho I only really remember eating and dancing, I think Phil won, but I'm none to sure. After that Ash got the wonderfully amazing idea to go crazy carpeting at Rainbow park. omg, i love this girl. My bruised tail bone hates her I'm sure, but fucking A.

So much fun, tho Adam looks like he lost a bar fight... we're all pretty beat up, Phil and Heidi are the only 2 who didn't bleed, and I happened to have gotten the WORST head of my life. Me and Ash are going down together, when things "turn" for the worse, next thing I know, we're not on the crazy carpet anymore, we've fallen over, and I REFUSE to let go of her... and then her body is on top of my head, and my face is being drug against the ice. Worst... head... ever. *sigh* Its cause Phil was there... Phil + me + 2 other girls = bad head. lol...

THe guys all temporarily lost their testicals i'm sure from trying to take jumps... my tailbone is so fucked from ice lumps and bad crashes... Cole and Adam were psycho and jumped over me and Ash as we went spinning down the hill... and I think all of us have to work tomorrow... me cole and ash for sure.

So... i can't walk, my ass hurts so bad, and happily my hand has gone numb so I can't feel how much the swollen knuckle hurts. So sleepy... all burnt out... and in so much pain...

Best night ever... but I deffinetly have to pass out now.

Ciao mien noodle!

~_~

First cell post

Wow... This is my first try at posting from my phone... So far so good! This is most likely how i'll update from ontario... See i've got it all figuered out! PS i hate stupid cheap ass holes that fuckin eat at dennys on kids eat free night, them bitch lie and just being horrible, gah!! An kinda brain dead so i should post this and pass out. Work tomorrow morning them school... Yay... *yawn*

Hello?!??!

Does anyone actually read my blog?

Wow

What else do I say... but wow.

Thats the only word.

I'm leaving for Nashville, then Ontario April 27th. 46 days from today.

I was selected... (while at Denny's, how horrible is that?)

I laughed, cried... am excited, and terrified... realized I WILL miss people... am terrified to leave my horse that long... I love him so much... I've never been away from home for 3 months... I've never been away from my parents that long... this is like... growing up, and I've always felt so grown up, and now its like PROVE it...

The rollercoaster of the past few months is amazing... enrolling in school, turning 18, one of my best friends trying to kill herself, falling in love, writing off my car, going to school, devoting oneself to another, having my heart broken, losing the battle with depression for a while, cutting myself, getting off late nights, explaining to ppl that I didn't move to Edmonton, hating school again, winning the battle with depression, working really hard towards something, getting it, and freaking out... leaving for 15 weeks.

Wow.

Just... wow.

Things that keep ME sane at work...

I hate dinner buns, I hate dinner buns, I hate dinner buns hey hey hey HEY!
I hate soup, I hate soup, I hate soup hey hey HEY!

When I was just a little girl my mom gave me a dolly... it didn't take her long to realize that such a gift was folly. I chopped its head off with an axe, and then cut off its fingers. Though that was many years ago the memory still lingers. Cause that was the most fun I'd ever had, but mommy said Hilda you've been very bad...

I give them (Denny's) 30 hours and a piece of my soul... all week long I'm a real nobody but I just punched out and its paycheck friday, weekends here, good god almighty, gunna get drunk and be somebody!!

CRAZY?!? I was crazy once... they locked me in a big white room!! I loved that white room, I died in that room. They burried me with flowers, the flowers got up my nose it drove me CRAZY...

CRAZY?!?! I was crazy once...

Whatever happened to the fairytale?!?

What ever happened to the fairytale ending... you konw, modern day hollywood.

2 People fall madly in love, yet confusion sets in, they break up, hate eachother, can't be in the same room, emotions fly back and forth, and then one day they reconcile and drive off into the sunset in a white pickup truck on their way to Vegas then to live happily ever after...

No... instead I get someone who breaks up with me, fucks with my head, tells me he loves me, then is a complete jerk and drags down every aspect of my life.... yet his mother still loves me!

GALGHWGHAS GKHASD ASFHW:AKGH :SADHFAF"H AWGHGK:SHDGODNCVNOEIN

WHy can he make me cry just by looking into my eyes...

Hell Bent and Nashville Bound

Ughhhhhhhhh........ will the dreams ever stop?!?! (also, will random flashback memories ever stop also... *sigh*) Anyways... dreams... GAH!!! It seems all I do when I sleep is dream, at least especially in the last couple hours, its driving me CRAZY!!! I wake up feeling like I haven't slept at all, even though the minimum I've gotten recently is 7 hours... like, COME ON!!!

*yawn*

Anyways, I need to get my essay done for Southwestern Company b/c tonight is final orientation!!!!!!!! woo hoo!! I'm so excited, I got my personality profile done, and it seems very accurate to me, and to all my close family members.

So I'm off of late nights, and working swing now, which sucks tips wise... *sigh* AND I haven't actually gone to bed before midnight YET... *sigh*

I read my mommy all my monologues last night, she said I should go back into theatre, whcih could be tres fun (GAH!! Fucking memories)

Ok, i've had enough of these flashbacks from hell, I'm posting this and starting on that essay... or breakfast... or shower... lol!

Ciao!

A Veiw...

You never saw it. He was funny and gentle. Ambition destroyed him, that's all. Because he thinks that the world of the media matters... he actually thinks that it's real. So it's been harder to talk to him... for a while it's been harder to reach him. It's true. So he's gone off with someone who cares about photos in magazines and opinion columns, and all of those dud London things. But that doesn't mean the man was alwyas contemptible. It doesn't mean I shouldn't have been with him at all. it just means... oh, look... the odds were against us. But i happen to think it was well worth a try. *anger turns to disress, the tears start to run down the soft rosy cheek* Of course I knew... do you think I'm an idiot? I always sensed: one day this man will trade up. He'll cash me in and he'll get a new model. I always felt it would come. these men, they wait. They wait till they're ready. You make them secure. Then, of course, when you've built the statue... that's when they kick the ladder away. But I did know it. I did it knowingly. It was my choice.

Dez on a blind date...

Do you have a light? I need a smoke so desperately and you don't smoke. I'm sure you don't smoke. Or maybe you DO smoke and I'm judging a book. Am I being hasty? I know I"m being manic but I really need a cigarette. Second hand smoke does kill. I was reading one of my fathers medical journals. I have a predilection for reading medical journals. That was a big word. That was obnoxious wasn't it? Sorry! I do that sometimes-I think I'm trying to impress you. But I have all these medical journals in my apartment, unrecycled. I have copious amounts-there I go again-copius amounts of unrecycled paper just sitting in my apartment. It's really criminal. What I SHOULD do to be conservative and enviro-friendly is to get online. Are you online? I'm looking really forward to webstock. I think that kinda of thing you can change our democracy. Do you have an Email address that I can Email you..something?-Ten years ago I almost drown in my bathtub.And um..did you know that when you're starting to drown and the water is coming into your lungs its similar to sleeping-or the FEELING is similar to sleeping. I mean I don't know. I didn't drown or anything. It was kinda funny. I guess you had to be there. But if you think of the Titanic and all of those people ''asleep'' in their deckchairs. It is a FAR more palatable tragedy.-What? Do I seem crazy? I'm not crazy! I may talk a lot but I'm not crazy. If you met someone really crazy I'm telling you, you'd know. The most disturbed person I ever met was my roommate Elizabeth. She was a borderline paranoid schizophrenic, worst halitosis in the world, bar none-and she was attracted to me-ewwwww. Although, she did come from a very wealthy family so when they came to take her out to dinner I cashed in my chips on that one. Don't look at me like that-YES I spent some time in a hospital. So! I'm not crazy. I'm NOT CRAZY! Although a lot of people do agree my Mom should have never had children. I shan't, I've had my tubes tied.

Are Desiree's Whores?

Are you ready? If you’re not, I can come back. You seem like a really tame bunch. So polite. Like you just came from a Nancy Davis film festival. Ever stop and think that if Reagan had not gone into politics, he and nancy would probably be doing guest shots on Loveboat. Yes… with Van Johnson and June Allyson. Oh my god, I just had a gruesome thought. What if Van Johnson and June Allyson were in the white house? Makes your flesh crawl, doesn’t it? Sorry, I didn’t mean to get us off on such a down start here tonight. (Pause)
Welcome to the show. My name is Scotty Devlin. I know what you’re all thinking… How come she has a boy’s name? Actually my real name is Heidi. But I had to change it when I lost my virginity. Everyone named Heidi must change their name when they lose their virginity. That’s the rule. Look at these girls over here all rustling through their programs. You’re all Heidis, right? Sorry. Am I embarrassed or what? My luck, Van and June are here. (Pause)
Actually, I lied to you. Scotty is my real name. You see, when I was born the doctor was either far-sighted or a prankster, because as I popped out, I remember it vividly, he declared “it’s a boy.” In fact, I was a boy until my mother changed my diapers for the first time. Can you imagine their surprise. My mother fainted. My father just stared, “he can’t be my boy.” I was in stitches. (Pause)
They tried calling me Judy for a while but I just wouldn’t respond. Would you have? There’s a Heidi nodding her head. Oh, by the way, the part about all Heidis having to change their names when they lose their virginity, I didn’t lie about hat. That is a known fact. (Pause.)
Yes, it’s true. Think about it. How many grown women do you know named Heidi? All the Heidis I know are about 8 years old with long blond braids down their backs. They all wear pink dirndls with little white aprons. And are surrounded by goats. They skip their way into high school, getting A’s in Home Ec. Then one day, probably on their 21st birthday- wham- Veronica, Yvonne, Desiree. (Pause.)
This is absolutely true, I promise you. You’ve never heard of a child being called Yvonne, have you? If I had been called Judy, I’d have to change my name when I stopped wearing bangs. Have you ever met a seventy year old woman named Judy? It sounds like she should be chewing gum and skipping rope. (A beat)
I’m not making this up. Right before middle age sets in, Cindys become Harriet, or Beatrice, they have that option. All Wendy’s die at puberty. Regrettable, but necessary. I sort of like being called Scotty, besides it’s better than my middle name- Doug. (Pause.)Look, I gotta run. But before I go, I just want to say that I hope all the guys who are sitting here tonight with a girl named Heidi, wake up tomorrow morning with a Desiree.

Farewell Denny's Late Night

Well... last night was my last Denny's late night. And lets face it, it was a pretty fuckin shitty shift. Our wait time on food was over 45 mins. Not so fun. However, I'd like to say I did a wonderful job breaking, and got all 4 1/2s done before 2:30 am, so I got the first tens done as well before bar rush. And then bar rush hit. ANd for the record, being breaker really sucks, I had two tables in the far back (24 & 25) and one table in the far front (table 1) but then we went on to a four server floor, and my section was empty, so they filled it up... it really sucked, but Connie and Stan helped take care of my old tables, so that was nice. Money wasn't that great eitehr, but I figure they're preparing me for swing shift, lol.

Before work was amazing tho. First off, I got super dressed up. Very much fun!! Lets face it, I looked hot. Then, went to "And Then There Were None" where I was horribly impressed with the acting, sound, lighting, set, etc. It was amazing. Especially Becca, I was so impressed to see her finally do a different character, and naturally she was amazing up there. Can't praise the play enough, everyone did superb.

After that, me and Phil went to Moxie's where they failed to ID me, and allowed me to down a "moxisized" Pina Colada before staggering to work. That made the begining of my shift quite fun!! *sigh* good times...

Anyyways, I over slept by 5 hours today, so I need to accomplish things.

Ciao

Fuck Him

I'd liek to start this post by saying, "Fuck him"

Fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him!

I'm emotional? Well, Yes, I happen to be emotional. In the sense that I cry probably the most, however I do not appreciate the irony of one of the most emotional, moody boy I have ever met telling me this. He was annoyed with me THursday b/c I was being moody? FUck him, I didn't even talk to him, approach him, nothing, HE attacked ME!!! But I'm the emotional one, of course, stupid me.

Fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him!

Ya, I'm still in love with you you fucking jerk, deal with it its your fault. You were the one who fell for me first, you were the one who said "thast one thing I have a hard time saying, and won't say unless I absolutly mean it, is "I love you" " and then what, 2 weeks later, "Dezeray... I love you" or how about hte constant "See... its things like this that show we're going to be together for a long time" "See, everyone around us can see we're going to be together for a long time" I was the one who didn't want a relationship, I was the one who said "Dude... we haven't been together that long, isnt' this going a little fast?" And then fuck me, I fell hard for you. And then... you left, for no good reason, a month later told me you were still in love with me but had your own demons to fight, but I'M THE FUCKING EMOTIONAL ONE?!?!??!!??! FUCK YOU!

It doesn't even matter b/c the person I fell in love with was so full of passion, drive and ambition. But he doesn't exist. November you were gunna quit Denny's, get a job at Moxies... ope, that never happened. How many tatoos have you had drawn up? Yet none of them are on your body... Going to school in January? You changed your mind to start a business instead, and thats not going to happen either. Going tree planting, moving back to Vancouver? Ya, I'll fuckin believe it when I see it.

Also, quit fucking messing with me. Everyonce in a while that little lie pops up again, and its almost like you care about me. It seems like you let your gaurd down and your true feeligns come forward...

So untill you can figure yourself out, and be a decent person, leave me the fuck alone. I hate you, I hate what you've done to me, I hate the amount of pain you've caused me, and cause me everytime I see you. My loving you is getting in the way? OF WHAT?!?!? THere is nothign, and its not you I love, it was an idea, a lie, a fleeting glimpse that turned out to be an illusion.

One day I hope you realize what you lost, and how badly you fucked up. Until then, fuck you.

Light Up My Room

*sigh* well... though working a 10 hour shift at Denny's I'm sure COULD be fun in some parallel universe... in this one its not. Nancy called in sick at 1am yesterday, so Lynn asked if I could stay till 7 so that Sharon wasn't working alone... Ok... i can do that right?!? Except for I got so behind on my sidework, and I only had to do half of the list, except, lets not lie, I had to go through and finish some of Garfields... anywyas, that I got off the floor at 7, hurray for me... sidework done at about 20 after... rush comes in at about 21 after... management "can't do my cash out" b/c its to busy... so I run food, bring coffee around, get condiments to tables, get my cash out done, and leave by 8 am. Not even a thank you from Petra for just jumping in and running food after beign there for way to many hours... nice. However, the servers thanked me which was you know... nice.

On a side note, Garfield is a jerk. Of course we know that, and I think some of us know that its part of who he is, and therefore part of why I love him, blah blah blah, but fuck him. I've learned, when he's being grumpy just to leave him the fuck alone. But oh no, last night taht wasn't good enough, he had to make an effort to attack me, or go out of his way to make my life hell. I think we may have sorted something out when I told him "Don't EVER call me emotional again... you are just as emotional as I am, the only difference is you're not crying right now, and I only cry in front of a few select ppl..." he left me alone after that, and eventually started being nicer... but fuck man. He's one of the only ppl I know who can say something unkind to me, and reduce me to tears in the freezer/bathroom...

In other notes, I'm off late night. This saturday is my last late night shift. Next week I work mostly swing, and one day shift. Of course, getting off late night I figured my hours would drop... not a biggie, thats good thats what I want, you konw, focus more on school and such. ya... right... I work what, 24-32 hours a week late night... next week I work 35... *sigH* oh well, moneys' good and I actually get to sleep at night.... woo hoo, sleep!!

well, I should go pretend I actually accomplished something while I've been home alone for the past 2 hours... lol,

Ciao

More Barenaked Ladies Wonderfulness

Alcohol

I love you more
than I did the week before
I discovered alcohol
Would you please ignore that you
Found me on the floor
Trying on your camisole?
O alcohol, would you please forgive me?
For while I cannot love myself
I’ll use something else.


Who Needs Sleep (for Jen)

There’s so much joy in life,
So many pleasures all around
But the pleasure of insomnia
Is one I’ve never found
With all life has to offer,
There’s so much to be enjoyed
But the pleasures of insomnia
Are ones I can’t avoidLids down,
I count sheepI count heartbeats
The only thing that counts is
That I won’t sleepI countdown,
I look around
Hala hala hala...
(for me)
Who needs sleep?
(well you’re never gonna get it)
Who needs sleep?
(tell me what’s that for)
Who needs sleep?
(be happy with what you’re getting
There’s a guy who’s been awake
Since the second world war)

Some Fantastic

There’s a lot I will never do
Some fantastic, I know it’s true
But none as much as my want to be with you
Bye Bye self respect...
I haven't had much of it since you left.

One Week (a description of me)

How can I help it if I think you’re funny when you’re mad
Trying hard not to smile though I feel bad
I’m the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Can’t understand what I mean?
Well, you soon will
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of taking off my shirt
(for Cole)
Gotta get in tune with sailor moon
Cause that cartoon has got the boom anime babes
That make me think the wrong thing

I think never is enough...

What, am I to wake up suddenly and then
Enroll at the local college and earn me a degree
And I could work weekends?
If I’ve worked real hardI could mow your back yard

I can go to europe travel with my friends
I can blow a thousand deutsche marks
To get drunk in a pub with some australians.
Buy a giant backpack
Sew a flag on the back

I never had to spend a summer planting trees
I never worked my way through a forest inch by inch
Doubled over on my hands and knees.

I never spent a single day in retail
Telling people what they want to hear
Telling people anything to make a sale.
Eating in the food court
With the old and the bored

The worlds your oyster shell
So what’s that funny smell
You eat the bivalve anyway
And you’re sick with salmonella

You get your ph.d.
How happy you will be
When you get a job at wendy’s
And are honored with employee of the month

I think never is enough (yeah never is enough)
I never have to do that stuff
I think never is enough (yeah never is enough)
You never have to do that stuff

Wandering Souls

My good friend Jenny once criticized an old b/f of mine, saying "Where is his passion? He seems to have no passion for anything" to which I replied, "Jenny, I don't really have any either..." Jenny looked at me like I was stupid and retorted "Dezeray, you're one of the most passionate people I've ever met. You have a passion for everything, but mainly you have a passion for life."

Where has that passion gone? My mom asked me what made me "excited" today, and I blankly stared at her. I don't even try to put time or energy into Equitation, photography's merely a hobby, I'm not the worlds biggest fan of my job, I stopped theatre a long time ago, school is just causing stress, all my friends (almost all i should say) are as messed up as I am or worse... what does that leave me? Where does that leave me?

"Growing up I always wanted to be somebody, but now I see I shoulda been more specific..."

Ha ha... that reminds me of me... on the topic of what I want to do for the rest of my life, I want to be somebody. I want power, and respect.

One thing I know I want right now, is out of Prince George. I konw that I can not live here forever. Even just going to school here I feel stagnant, like I"m not actually working towards anything. Like, if I was going to school in Vancouver, or Edmonton, I'd be working towards something. Which I'd like to point out is quite silly.

I feel like a wandering soul right now... no direction, no passion. But... at the same time I think there is a lil passion hidden somewhere, and I have a vague direction, so maybe I'm not as bad off as I seem. HA! See... i can talk myself out of depression!! Now I should take a look at that homework Garfield assigned me (looking up ALL career choices and comming back with a couple I might be interessted in... amazing how he always has the best advice for me, and somehow says the most encouraging thing with just a couple sentences...)

In other news I'm off late night now!! I beleive this saturday is my last late night shift. WHich unfortunatly makes me sad... i actually like the shift itself for the tips, lack of management, and I LOVE the people I work with... Connie, Stan, Mac... I'll have to make an effort to see them outside of work!!

Ok, this tea has gone right through me (Chammomile to help me relax, and fight infection), and I really should get some sleep so that I can excersize before school tomorrow. Also, note to self, go suntanning.

AND!! A random picture for laughs!!